For the middle aged Americans, the reality is challenging with the increasing needs of care for their aging parents and family members.
Worse, more than half of American in their 40s are the sandwich generation according to Pew Research Center. The “sandwich generation” is the term for middle-aged adults (in their 40s and 50s) who are caring for both older parents and their own children. As America’s aging population is growing rapidly, so is the “sandwich generation” on the rise.
Aging is an inevitable phase for all of us. Good planning makes it easier and better prepared when the time comes to deal with caring for aging family members. Most importantly, good planning takes care of the caretakers themselves.
Mom & dad, let’s talk.
The first step to take is talking to the parents. Easier said than done, this can be challenging for adult children to initiate, because up until now, parents have been the caretakers for their children in most families. Know that this conversation will be an ongoing talk rather than a single occasion. Don’t give up if parents are unwilling to talk on the first try. Continue the efforts until they begin to talk.
Find out what their needs and wishes are. In some cases, however, they may be unwilling or unable to talk about their future. This can happen for a number of reasons, including:
- Incapacity
- Fear of becoming dependent
- Resentment toward you for interfering
- Reluctance to burden you with their problems
If such is the case with your parents, you may need to do as much planning as you can without them. If their safety or health is in danger, however, you may need to step in as caregiver. The bottom line is that you need to have a plan.
It’s usually helpful to make a list of topics for discussion. Examples of discussion points are below:
- Living arrangements: Can they still live alone, or is it time to explore other options?
- Everyday Insurance needs: is the current insurance enough? Health insurance, property insurance, car insurance, pet insurance, etc.
- Long-term care and life insurance: Do they have it? If not, should they buy it?
- Current financials: how much are current income and expenses? What are liquid assets for emergencies?
- Financial planning: what income and expenses will change in near future? What are the assets to be used for future financial needs? Are there asset protection measures?
- Estate planning: Do they have all of the necessary documents (e.g., advance medical directive, power of attorney, wills, trusts)?
- Medical care decisions: What are their wishes, and who will carry them out?
- Expectations: What do you expect from your parents, and what do they expect from you?
Preparing a personal data record
Once the lines of communication open up, the next step is to prepare a personal data record. This document lists information that a caretaker might need in case parents become incapacitated or die. Here’s some information that should be included:
- Financial information: Bank accounts, investment accounts, real estate holdings
- Legal information: Wills, power of attorneys, health-care directives, trust documents
- Funeral and burial plans: Prepayment information, final wishes
- Medical information: Health-care providers, medication, medical history
- Insurance information: Policy numbers, company names
- Advisor information: Names and phone numbers of any professional service providers
- Location of other important records: Keys to safe-deposit boxes, real estate deeds Be sure to write down the location of documents and any relevant account numbers.
It’s a good idea to make copies of all of the documents gathered and keep them in a safe place, in both digital format and paper. This is especially important if you live far away, because you’ll want the information readily available in the event of an emergency.
Where will your parents live?
If your parents are like many older folks, where they live will depend on how healthy they are. As your parents grow older, their health may deteriorate so much that they can no longer live on their own. At this point, you may need to find them in-home health care or health care within a retirement community or nursing home. Or, you may insist that they come to live with you.
If money is an issue, moving in with you may be the best (or only) option, but you’ll want to give this decision serious thought. This decision will impact your entire family, so talk about it as a family first. A lot of help is out there, including friends and extended family. Don’t be afraid to ask.
Evaluating your parents’ abilities
If you’re concerned about your parents’ mental or physical capabilities, ask their doctor(s) to recommend a facility for a geriatric assessment. These assessments can be done at hospitals or clinics. The evaluation determines your parents’ capabilities for day-to-day activities (e.g., cooking, housework, personal hygiene, taking medications, making phone calls). The facility can then refer you and your parents to organizations that provide support.
If you can’t be there to care for your parents, or if you just need some guidance to oversee your parents’ care, a geriatric care manager (GCM) can also help. Typically, GCMs are nurses or social workers with experience in geriatric care. They can assess your parents’ ability to live on their own, coordinate round-the-clock care if necessary, or recommend home health care and other agencies that can help your parents remain independent.
Get support and advice. Don’t try to care for your parents alone. Many local and national caregiver support groups and community services are available to help you cope with caring for your aging parents. If you don’t know where to find help, contact your state’s department of eldercare services. States use different names for such department. For example, Maryland has Department of Aging. Or, call (800) 677-1116 to reach the Eldercare Locator, an information and referral service sponsored by the federal government that can direct you to resources available nationally or in your area. If you are a caregiver for those with Alzheimer’s and dementia, helpful resources are available at Alzheimer’s Association website.
Some of the services available in your community may include:
- Caregiver support groups and training
- Adult day care
- Respite care
- Guidelines on how to choose a nursing home
- Free or low-cost legal advice (e.g. local pro bono law centers, law school clinics)
Once you’ve gathered all of the necessary information, you may find some gaps. Perhaps your mother doesn’t have a health-care directive, or her will is outdated. You may wish to consult an attorney or other financial professional whose advice both you and your parents can trust.